Warning: Language Ahead

I hate everything.  OK, technically, I strongly dislike many things, but what I hate most of all right now is myself.  When I was young I had a specific, yet vague, sort of life plan:  I would grow up, go to college, where I would meet a man and get married, become a teacher, have some babies, and then...the rest was all going to fall into place.  I didn't know exactly how all of this would happen, but I just figured it would.  And then the voices of the world started become the voices in my head and I let the little bastards erode my confidence.  Obviously it's a lot more complicated than that, and took over 30 years to accomplish, but now here I am.  Today Facebook reminded me that 3 years ago today the hubby and I were celebrating the 3rd of my 4 wedding showers at St. Someone's.  In a little less than 2 months we will have been married 3 years, and I honestly can't believe we've made it.  Not because we don't love each other, we do.  And not because we aren't compatible, because we mostly are, despite our differences, especially our communication styles.  In our first almost 3 years of marriage though: 

• The hubby's car blew up, and I have managed to get into 2 accidents in the last 8 months or so
• I got majorly depressed and went on medical leave, but couldn't get disability because I wasn't suicidal
• the hubby's job of a little over a year has been the world's worst roller coaster, making us both so insanely stressed it's not even funny
• I have learned to be creative in trying to stretch a paycheck to try and pay bills as best as possible
• I'm pretty sure my uncle no longer respects me and is possibly no longer speaking to me because I am a colossal f--- up

 And therein lies the crux of my hating myself right now.  I am a colossal f--- up.  Did we get to this place solely because of me?  Of course not.  There have been about a thousand factors that have led us here and both of us could have made different choices, both individually and as a couple.  But I can't seem to get my shit together.  We would be so much better off if I had a job.  Any job.  Just get a job for crying out loud.  And I've made a few efforts, but every step forward I feel like something comes along (probably of my own making) and shoves me back 3 steps. I get excited about some possibility, get shoved back, and fall deeper into depression, making the process that much harder.  Some days I feel like the hubby would be so much better off without me.   Again, I can't get my shit together.  My poop in a group.  Whatever.  I don't know what to do, and the bastard voices in my head are having a field day.  Yes, I tell them to shut up, but right now they are gleefully loud.  I told the hubby tonight I feel like a giant loser failure.  I'm starting to be about 90% sure I'm not going to go back to work in a church, and I have no idea what else to do.  I have a master's degree and no marketable skills. (Adding insult to injury today I tried to donate platelets and ended up getting really nauseous and having to quit...see?  Giant.  Loser.  Failure.)

Sorry about the pity party.  I know I sound like a whiny little bitch right now, and I hate myself for that, too.  I've always been able to eventually figure out the next step and been able to take it, but right now that next step seems impossible, and I don't know what to do about it.

Tonight's shoes are black and spiky, like my pissed off soul.

I wish I could end on a positive note and say tomorrow is a new day and it will all be better, but that's so not where I'm at right now.  Tomorrow is a new day and I have to try to figure out how to get my shit together and get a job and pay bills and not suck at life.

Artsy

So far we've covered geckos and cupcakes, so tonight we move on to Double A's pottery creation:

It's a tiny, little bowl!

She free-handed the whole thing.  She definitely takes after her grammy and not her auntie (fortunately) when it comes to artistic ability.  She made it look so easy, and I love how it turned out.  Tonight's shoes are inspired by the talented Double A:

 

I love these.  It's a little weird that they're the Arizona green tea can, but the can is pretty, and it makes even prettier shoes.

 

These are certainly festive.  A little odd, but festive.

These look like they should have been part of the pinstriping post.  I like the colors.

Double A loves green, but I keep seeing a face when I glance at these.

Ooooh...awesome green.  She needs to make herself a pair!

Love the blue flowers.  Mom...you could make these, yes?

The metal studs are a bit much, but otherwise I love these.

Simple and pretty.  Kind of remind me of the first pair.

I love my nieces.  They are awesome for many many reasons, and they paint adorable pottery.

Cuppy Cakes

The box with the nieces' pottery made it home mostly safe and sound.  The Bean's had a couple of small chips out of it, which Dad super-glued, and hopefully she's not traumatized and hasn't decided that I'm the worst auntie ever for not packing the box better.  Here is the before shipping picture:

Isn't it cute?  The top comes off so it's a little container.  It was the bottom that got the chips out of it.  So sad.  Here are some Bean cupcake inspired shoes (which sounds kind of gross):

I've posted these a couple of times, and I think this and similar pictures have been posted to my facebook wall numerous times.  They look yummy.

I've had this picture for a year and keep forgetting to post it.  These were made for a party last summer by a very kind person from St. Someone's.  She said the plan was to make the whole batch into shoes, but they aren't as easy as all the fancy pictures make them out to be.  Nothing ever is. (Pinterest lies!)  It was still very very sweet of her to make me these, and I appreciate the kindness.  And yes, they were yummy!

 

This is so bright and happy.  I really don't know where one would wear a cupcake shoe, but if you ever have the occasion, they exist out there.

 

Tennies!  In case you need cupcake shoes for a more casual event.

And your daughter/niece/cute next door neighbor can go with  you.  (notice the ribbon laces?!)

Aaaaaand you can take a baby!

There were a similar pair in black, but they had skulls on them.  So, I guess those would be what you would wear to an edgier cupcake event?

More ribbon laces!

Finally, something that isn't pink!  Although these are a little bit weird.  Cute, but weird.

These would be really cute with a fun skirt.  For your fun skirt cupcake event.

Now we have the shoes, who's going to have cupcake events we can all wear them to?

Not-So-Great Blue Karma?

If you've read this blog for any length of time, say 5 minutes or so, you've probably noticed that I'm rather fond of blue.  Mom says I like any color, just as long as it's blue.  (Hi, Mom!)  Yes, I'm rather fond of blue, but I'm noticing a trend.  When the parents and nieces were here Double A and I went shopping for The Bean's birthday.  As we shopped we cruised through the shoe section, and I found a pair of blue sandals that were already on quite good sale even before adding the coupons I had.  So I snagged a pair:

They're basic and fairly simple, but of course they're blue, and I also like the geometric shapes in the straps.

Also, Chalupa (or Chaloopy as our next door neighbor calls him) had to get in on the action, so obviously I had to share his photo bomb.

So I have blue sandals.  Again.  Why again?  Well, I think the blue sandals of the universe hates me, because this is the third summer in a row I've gotten a pair.

Here is the 2013 pair.  They were cute and simple, much like this year's pair, but after several months they started giving the tops of my feet a rash.  Not fun.  I tried a bunch of stuff to fix the issue, but nothing worked.  Good-bye 2013 sandals.

 

And last year's pair.  These were super comfortable, a little dressier, and bought with a gift card, so major points.  Sadly after about 6 months one of them completely fell apart.  Just sort of disintegrated.  Au revoir 2014 sandals.

Thank goodness this year's pair were inexpensive, because I'm starting to think I should stop buying blue sandals in the summer.  We'll see if they last or if I find myself shopping again next year.  In the meantime, I decided to virtually shop for shoes I'll not actually wear, so they shouldn't attack me or fall apart.  Hopefully.

There.  Cute, blue sandals, and not a pair with that damn thing between the toes.  I shall enjoy them from afar as the universe has yet to decide if I'm actually worthy to own a pair for any length of time.

Rainbows

I'd originally planned a different post for today, but after being flooded all day on Facebook with the joyous news of the SCOTUS decision, I had to change my mind.  I know not everyone is celebrating, but I am thrilled with the news that my friends who are in same sex relationships can now be legally married and enjoy the same rights as heterosexual couples.  I'm still ordained, if anyone wants me to officiate!

Today wasn't all good news, though, as it was also the funeral for the Reverend Clementa Pinckney, one of the nine people who was killed in South Carolina last week.  The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, and I'm so sad about the racial violence that keeps happening in our country.  It has to stop, we have to love and respect each other and learn to listen (especially we white people).

So, tonight's post is about rainbows.  First, because the rainbow has become a symbol of gay pride, so I post rainbow shoes in celebration.  Second, because the rainbow is also a symbol from God, who put one in the sky after flooding the earth.  For me it is a sign the God reacts to what is happening in the world.  God was upset, flooded the earth (it really is a horrible story that I love...yay!  Animals! Oh...um...and then everyone died, but let's just gloss over that, OK?), but then realized that it wasn't the best answer, and promised it wouldn't happen again.  God isn't unmoving and indifferent, God, in seeking to be in relationship with us, is present and loving and reactive.  The rainbow is a sign of celebration, and also one of hope.  When I see one I am reminded that God is present, in the joy as well as the sorrow, in the celebrations and the tragedies.

Enough sermonizing.  Here are some shoes.

Many people today used the hashtag #lovewins, and it's true.  Even when we can't always see it, God's love is working.  This is what I hold on to even in the tragedies.  God's love (and yes, sometimes that means it's working through us), is working in the world, bringing light to darkness and hope to despair.

Edited to add:  After posting, I came across this article, which says it so much better than I can.  "We walk with tragedy in one hand and hope in the other."

Octopi

The Camp Friend posted this rather interesting picture to my facebook wall this morning:

 This shoe is insane and also awesome.  I'm not sure how it stays on your foot so you can walk, but it's definitely one of the more unique shoes I've seen.  And I like the colors, of course.  So obviously I had to go in search of more octopus-inspired shoes.

I love the turquoise heel and the double strap.  I love the black with the other colors on the shoe, and the shoes are kind of cool, but also kind of creepy at the same time.

Not creepy at all.  Cute.

Kind of cute?  Also kind of weird.  Good shoes to wear to the aquarium maybe.

Um...EEK?  Who comes up with these things?   Who then buys and wears them??

Whew, I needed more cuteness.

I like these in theory.  I'm going to have to take a stab here and say that I'm just not a huge fan of shoes with octopi on them, even if the octopi are blue.  These two look mean.

 

Speaking of creepy.  This was just one of many octopus rings I found during my search.  Clearly there are people out there who are vastly more fond of octopi than I am.  That's cool for them, but I think I'll stay over here in my octopus-free zone.  That ring might give me nightmares.

PS--didja notice that this post has EIGHT pictures in it?  Didja see what I did there?