Warning: Language Ahead

I hate everything.  OK, technically, I strongly dislike many things, but what I hate most of all right now is myself.  When I was young I had a specific, yet vague, sort of life plan:  I would grow up, go to college, where I would meet a man and get married, become a teacher, have some babies, and then...the rest was all going to fall into place.  I didn't know exactly how all of this would happen, but I just figured it would.  And then the voices of the world started become the voices in my head and I let the little bastards erode my confidence.  Obviously it's a lot more complicated than that, and took over 30 years to accomplish, but now here I am.  Today Facebook reminded me that 3 years ago today the hubby and I were celebrating the 3rd of my 4 wedding showers at St. Someone's.  In a little less than 2 months we will have been married 3 years, and I honestly can't believe we've made it.  Not because we don't love each other, we do.  And not because we aren't compatible, because we mostly are, despite our differences, especially our communication styles.  In our first almost 3 years of marriage though: 

• The hubby's car blew up, and I have managed to get into 2 accidents in the last 8 months or so
• I got majorly depressed and went on medical leave, but couldn't get disability because I wasn't suicidal
• the hubby's job of a little over a year has been the world's worst roller coaster, making us both so insanely stressed it's not even funny
• I have learned to be creative in trying to stretch a paycheck to try and pay bills as best as possible
• I'm pretty sure my uncle no longer respects me and is possibly no longer speaking to me because I am a colossal f--- up

 And therein lies the crux of my hating myself right now.  I am a colossal f--- up.  Did we get to this place solely because of me?  Of course not.  There have been about a thousand factors that have led us here and both of us could have made different choices, both individually and as a couple.  But I can't seem to get my shit together.  We would be so much better off if I had a job.  Any job.  Just get a job for crying out loud.  And I've made a few efforts, but every step forward I feel like something comes along (probably of my own making) and shoves me back 3 steps. I get excited about some possibility, get shoved back, and fall deeper into depression, making the process that much harder.  Some days I feel like the hubby would be so much better off without me.   Again, I can't get my shit together.  My poop in a group.  Whatever.  I don't know what to do, and the bastard voices in my head are having a field day.  Yes, I tell them to shut up, but right now they are gleefully loud.  I told the hubby tonight I feel like a giant loser failure.  I'm starting to be about 90% sure I'm not going to go back to work in a church, and I have no idea what else to do.  I have a master's degree and no marketable skills. (Adding insult to injury today I tried to donate platelets and ended up getting really nauseous and having to quit...see?  Giant.  Loser.  Failure.)

Sorry about the pity party.  I know I sound like a whiny little bitch right now, and I hate myself for that, too.  I've always been able to eventually figure out the next step and been able to take it, but right now that next step seems impossible, and I don't know what to do about it.

Tonight's shoes are black and spiky, like my pissed off soul.

I wish I could end on a positive note and say tomorrow is a new day and it will all be better, but that's so not where I'm at right now.  Tomorrow is a new day and I have to try to figure out how to get my shit together and get a job and pay bills and not suck at life.

November

Tonight I switched out Halloween for Thanksgiving.  Yes, there IS a holiday between Halloween and Christmas.  Not that you would guess that from the stores and commercials.  Anyhoo.  I took down the Halloween decorations and put up the Thanksgiving decorations.  In honor of Thanksgiving and November, tonight's shoes are all orange and green.  This post is also a shout out to SKD who loves both orange and green.

These aren't tennies I would choose for myself, but they are bright and fun, and I think SKD actually has tennies in a similar color combination.

These don't look green to me, although they were labeled so, but whatever the non-orange color is , I love this shoe.

 

These, not so much.  Maybe if the heel wasn't yellow, the pink bow was gone, and the platform was a little more proportional.  So, basically if it were a different pair of shoes, apparently.

These are so crazy that they're awesome.  They were listed as prom shoes.  They were not listed as retro.  I kind of love them.  I think I used to have sheets in that pattern...

 

Wow.  I like them?  Or not?  They're definitely cool.  I almost definitely wouldn't buy them.

Eek!  These would be so much better without the spikes.  Not perfect, but soooo much better.

Awwww.  PB needs these, too.

AND these!

These are kiddo shoes, but I would wear them.  I like them better than the first, adult pair.  The PB could have these when s/he gets older.

Happy November.  Please don't neglect Thanksgiving.

Alcohol or Chocolate

 The puppies have been driving me absolutely crazy today.  It started this morning when I discovered they'd pooped in 2 different spots in the house and peed  in a couple others.  Chalupa would NOT stop barking.  Only Tallulah got a treat at bath time because Chalupa jumped out and ran all over the house, spraying water everywhere.  They are chewing frigging everything.  Tallulah keeps licking my underwear, regardless of whether I'm wearing it or not.  Yeah.  Yuck.  I realize these are just puppy things and they will get better, but today I woke up with a pounding headache and dealing with stinky puppies was not on my list of things to get excited about.  If I was drinking right now I think I would have definitely indulged in something.  Instead I went with chocolate.  I got sucked in by the peanut butter cup Oreos at the grocery store tonight.  Yum.

But enough grumpy puppy stories, let's move on to shoes.  I actually quite enjoyed a calendar picture for once, which hasn't happened much lately.  This was the picture from the weekend:

Terrible picture, but they are really cute lime green and turquoise flats.  They reminded me of the shoes the BSF wore to my wedding, and a pair I picked out for Double A in a recent(ish) post.

Obviously (hopefully), hers are the green and blue ones under the green dress.  They are super cute, and I am jealous, especially since she can wear slingbacks when I can't.  Bitch.

I wish I knew what these are, because they are so very Double A.  She would look adorabl(er) in them.

I actually forgot to turn the calendar to today's picture until around 5:00 tonight, and I'm glad I did, as today's picture was this:

I didn't need to stare at this all day.  Pink stilettos with gold spikes and toe fluff.  I've decided that the woman who would wear these is a biker chick with a pink poodle.

But back to green and blue.  Here are some more selections for you:

Cute!  And I've probably posted them before, but oh well.

Also cute.  I wish they weren't leather in the back and suede in the  front, though.  Just makes it look like they took 2 different shoes and smooshed them together.  And maybe that's how they're supposed to look.  Who am I to judge?  Just kidding, I totally love to judge!

I admit it.  I like these. I would wear them.  Except that I seem to have lost the ability to walk in heels.  I wore a pair for roughly an hour yesterday and then said screw it and put on flats. Let's pretend that since these are wedges I could still wear them, kay?

Just no.  Unless it's the 80s and then maybe.  Nope.  Still no.

This is crazy.  I almost like it.  Not totally, but almost.  I think the toe is square.  Odd choice; I think they would look better with a pointed toe.

Well, the puppies are asleep and looking adorable, so I think I should enjoy the quiet for awhile.

BLUE

Yay!  We've reached my favorite color!  This is the final entry in this week's round of Olympics posts.  We started with red, moved on to white, and today we get to do blue!  I know, I've already done a million blue posts, so stop reading now if you are absolutely sick of the color.  Or, come with me and experience just a few more.

We'll start with the practical.   Because I would wear these on days when I was feeling practical (which are actually more common than days when I wear heels).  I like the pattern on these.

Simple, but love the flower.  It's also simple, but adds a really great detail.

Holy crap.  Kicking shoes in my favorite color!  WHY are these so mean and lethal?  Who wears these?

Love the bright blue with the darker blue accents.   And, of course, I'm a sucker for an ankle strap.

Bet this wasn't what you were expecting for sparkly, was it?  I thought I'd go in a different direction since I've already done a whole post of blue, sparkly shoes a few months ago.

 

Also different in the sparkly category.  I like them, but they are a little too much for me.  They remind me of all of those decorated and beaded things you can get at Cost Plus World Market.  Which isn't bad, just not what I necessarily want in my shoes.

 

These are the heeled version of my Advent Boots, so of course I love them.

I'm not always a fan of the booties, but these, I like.  I'm not sure I could pull them off, but I love the color.  I could do them with pants, just not sure I could pull these off with a skirt or dress?

So there you go.  Olympics posts.  If you'll excuse me I must now go be tortured by the curling the hubby has saved on the DVR.

More Things I Don't Understand

I don't get booties in general.  I rarely find a pair I like, but these I just don't understand at all:

 

 

I don't understand the color scheme, and I certainly don't understand this new heel thing that just looks like someone would fall over if they tried to walk on them.  Granted, I haven't tried on a pair, so I can't speak from experience, but still.  These aren't even that extreme, I think it's more the angle than anything else that makes them look like they have less of a heel than they actually might. I've seen some shoes that look more like a hoof from their lack of heel.  Like these:

 

Source
 

 I would fall on my face.  And then there are actual hoof shoes:

 

Source

 

Those are Just.  Insane.  There's more where those came from if you want to take a gander. 

 

Know what else I don't get?  Spikes.

 

Spikes are everywhere right now, on all varieties of shoes.  I can maybe understand them in small contexts, but they are EVERYWHERE.  If you need to kick someone, then these are the shoes for you.  Frankly, though, I'd probably just end up scratching the hell out of various body parts with shoes like this.  Why is this necessary?  No, really, feel free to explain it to me.  Visit here if you want to see more (and more and more and more) spikes.