Fear, Forts, and Faith

It's Ash Wednesday and I have been doing a lot of pondering.  This isn't going to be your typical post, so if you're here for the shoes you might want to back away slowly (or run away quickly) because there will be no shoes.  It's not going to be completely depressing, though.  At least I hope.  OK, there are your disclaimers.  Now for the post.

I've been thinking about forts.  Yes, I said forts.  I always semi-joke about making forts in all kinds of places.  There was a room in the chapel at seminary that was used for storage that had all kinds of interesting nooks and crannies and I always said I was going to build a fort in there.  I could go in with a flashlight and my homework (and by "homework" I mean novels).  There is a storage room under the stairs in our new office and I would make a fort in there that would be a less depressing version of Harry Potter's room under the stairs (because mine would be voluntary).  You can probably see where I'm going with this.  I even think about building forts under my desks wherever I work.  A few pillows, some blankets, a stack of books, and some chocolate?  I'm good to go!

Like I said, I say this a lot, but only recently occurred to me why I might be so obsessed with forts.  As a kid I loved to smoosh myself into weird places.  I didn't make forts per se, but I like to climb into things.  My chest of drawers had a door that opened into a little cupboard and I loved to fold myself in there.  I think there might be a picture of that somewhere, but I don't know if that's fact or I just made that up.  I would also climb the shelves in my closet and lay in the cupboard space up above (Mom if you didn't know this already, please don't ground me!).  We had a couch that was fairly high off the floor and it was the perfect place to go...and, um, hide food...sorry again, Mom! It's just that it had a slat that made the perfect shelf.  I also loved to climb into the space between the wall and the wood stove to eat my breakfast.  Yeah, I totally burned my arm one day doing that.  Aaaaaand...once again, so very sorry, Mom.  So obviously I come by this trait naturally and from a young age.

Those are the roots of my fort fetish, I think, but now that I'm an adult it also stems from something else:  Fear.  The hubby and I respond to fear VERY differently.  A fearful or stressful situation sends him straight into thinking mode.  He becomes The Man With A Plan.  Actually, he usually comes up with about 4 layers of backup plans in addition to the original plan.  He's very handy to have around.  I am much less helpful.  I react to stress and fear by sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively, wanting to curl into the fetal position.  This is where the fort comes in.  Sometimes I fantasize about hiding under my desk when I'm stressed.  I just want to hide from the world.  *TRIGGER WARNING*  I'm not suicidal, but I sometimes fantasize about what I can take so I can just sleep for a month.  No, I'm not actually going to take a handful of anything, I promise, it's just that I really want to curl up in my fort and sleep until the crappy stuff is over.  In my small defense, I do think during this time as well, but coming up with a million plans isn't my first response.  I don't look fear in the face and think, "yes!  Challenge!"  I eventually come up with responses and solutions, but I'm kind of pathetic for awhile.

I've been thinking about all of this because things have been really stressful for a really long time.  I've talked about some of it here, but basically the hubby and I have had one strange/crappy/emotional/stressful/crazy thing after another happen since we got married.  I keep thinking we're coming out the other side and then something else happens.  It's no wonder I am fearful and thinking longingly of forts.  Because I'm tired, y'all.  I'm tired of the stress and the headaches (again, both literal and figurative), I'm tired of those tiny moments of hope being almost immediately overshadowed by some new, huge problem.  Every. Single. Time.  So I tend to want to hide in a snuggly fort with books and chocolate.  I know I can't, that it wouldn't solve anything.

I also feel increasingly isolated.  I curl in on myself in my fear fort and don't engage with my friends like I should.  Eventually friends find this annoying and start to drift away.  I can't blame them, I wouldn't really want to be friends with me right now, either.  My isolation is self-inflicted and self-fulfilling.  I know I would feel better about the fear and the stress if I would reach out more, but I don't because I don't want to be that whiny friend who does nothing but complain about the strange/crappy/emotional/stressful/crazy things that keep happening.

So there's the fear and the forts, now for the faith.  Like I said at the beginning, today is Ash Wednesday.  I was really hoping to go to church for imposition of ashes, because as maudlin as it sounds, this is one of the days I always try to attend.  Not because I enjoy being reminded that I'm dust and I will some day return to dust, but because I appreciate that I come from a tradition that sees God in all things, not just the big, splashy holidays like Christmas and Easter (no offense to either, I love both holidays, but we can't have the Easter without Good Friday, and Ash Wednesday reminds us of the brokenness of the world, and why we need the promises of the resurrection).  Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the season of Lent, when we journey with Christ to Jerusalem and the cross.  It is a season of reflection, and it is a season when many people either give some something up or take something on as a spiritual discipline.  I wrote on Facebook the other day that there are a million things I could or should give up, and another million things that I could or should take on, but with the craziness and stress of my life right now I feel like the most I could achieve would be showering everyday.  And that's a big maybe.

I'm thinking that this year I might embrace my forts.  Not in a literal sense.  I'm not going to crawl under my desk and sleep until Easter.  Although that kind of sounds AWESOME.  Instead I will do my best.  I will try to face my fears, try not to hid in my personal forts, but also try to remember what my faith teaches me: that no matter where I am, what's going on, how imperfect I am, God is there with me.  God is with me in the fear.  God is with me in the fort (I'd even share my chocolate).  I've been trying to make some changes in my life anyway to improve my health, so that will be part of my Lenten discipline, but mostly what I'm going to do is try to remember God's love and God's promises.

If you're so inclined, I would welcome your prayers during the season of Lent.  I will pray for you, too, that you feel God's presence in your life and that you can know God's love for you.  I will also let you share my fort if you want.  But you might need to bring extra chocolate.

Ash Wednesday

I saw this on Facebook yesterday:

Oh look!  There's a yoga pose named for me!  This is pretty much what is going on in my head ALL of the time, except more.  Here is a (by no means exhaustive) list of things I worry about these days:

• Is God completely disappointed in me?
• Is my family completely disappointed in me?
• Is everyone completely disappointed in me?
• Am I failing my friends?
• I'm sad, angry, and resentful over what feels like certain friends failing me.
• I don't know enough of what is going on in the world.
• When I do know what is going on in the world it just makes me depressed and even more worried.
• My spiritual, mental, physical health.
• The hubby's health.
• My level of patience with the hubby's health.
• The puppies' health.
• Money.
• The house sale.
• Something happening to make the house not sell.
• My own klutziness/ineptness causing the house to spontaneously combust and or fall down around our ears thereby causing the sale to fall through.
• Body image issues.
• The nieces' body images.
• ALL girls' body images.
• My purpose in life.
• Will I ever be content?

Enough.  You get the idea.  The inside of my brain is a chaotic and swirly place full of voices (most of them depression-fueled) that just will not shut the hell up.

So.  Ash Wednesday.  I have decided that my spiritual discipline this year is to try to combat those voices.  I might need your help for this.  I need to think of the positives in my life.  The happies.  I'm going to use the blog, write every day, and list 3 things for which I am grateful, or that make me happy, or that at least don't suck the joy and life out of me.  Please help hold me accountable on this. Thank you in advance.  Let's look at shoes.

Black shoes always seem appropriate to me for Ash Wednesday.  Last year's post was all black shoes. I'm not sure what sparkly, bedazzled crosses are appropriate for.

These seem disjointed to me.  Am I missing a theme?

Wow.  Zebra stripes, bedazzled cross, AND a crown of thorns.  Again, the animal print fits into the theme how?

 

Subtle.  If I were still in the parish I would wear these and see who noticed.

These are cross trainers.  Yes, the very ugly shoes have an incredibly bad pun to go with them.  There are also giant crosses on the tongues.

Slightly random side note:  Ash Wednesday is one of the few days when I seem to post consistently.  I already referenced last year's post, but here are links to 2013 and 2014 as well in case you want a trip down Ash Wednesday memory lane.

Here are my 3 things:

1. I am dust and to dust I shall return.  I know, this doesn't sound positive at first, but it is a reminder that nothing, outside of the promises of God, lasts forever.  The promises of God DO last forever, and I am a Child of God.
2. My mom, who answers the phone and talks to me no matter how random the reason I called.
3. Snuggle puppies.

Remember That You Are Dust

I went to Ash Wednesday service today.  This is the first time I've gone to church this year, and the 6th time I've gone since I left St. Someone's a year ago.  There are no doubt some deep thoughts I could go off about as to why I felt so compelled to go today of all days, the day when we remember our own mortality and our own sinfulness.  Instead, I will tell you that I went to the Episcopal church not too far from our house, that the max seating is 100 people in the sanctuary and yet they had 5 pastors listed in the bulletin, that the priest who did the service today is named Father Howdy (I tried really hard not to giggle about that one), and that 2 people told me after the service that I got the "best" cross of anyone.  I'm not going to dwell on that one, either!  Let's look at black shoes, instead (you know, because of the dust).

You can never have too many pairs of black shoes.  In fact, I would be quite happy with some new ones.  Sandals, boots, heels, ballet flats, whatever.  But, as that really isn't the point of today, I'm off to contemplate my own mortality and the promises of the resurrection.

Blues and Greens

Today is Ash Wednesday, and normally I talk about big days in the church.  But not tonight.  I just can't do it tonight for a lot of long and boring and complicated reasons.  I wrote about it last year, so if you want, you should go read that for more of my thoughts on the day.  In the meantime, the Pinterest Friend has once again been busy sending me fun shoes.  I'm going to share those tonight because they cheer me up.

We start with my favorite color (of course).  These are so stinkin' cute.  I love everything about them.

 

I feel like I've posted these before?  Not actually sure on that.  Maybe just something similar.  These look like a garden party to me.  Not that I've ever been to  a garden party.  And wouldn't wearing these mean you would keep sinking into the ground?  Hmmm....they also remind me of Easter.  I get Easter.  Let's go with that.

 Mom, Seester, Double A and SKD...March is your month!  So much green, so little time!  I really like these.  Not sure I'm in love with that particular green, or what I would wear it with, but I love the shape of these shoes.  I really need to find me a pair in this shape one of these days.

These are weird.  But a beautiful color and texture.  They also crack me up because they are both peep toe AND peep ankle!  But look!  A slingback I might actually be able to keep on my foot!  For that alone I might have to love these.  I'm also pretty sure this came from a shoe calendar.   You can just see parts of the stand at the bottom and on the left.

Good night.  Remember that you are dust,and to dust you shall return.

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent.  Lent is the season in the church that leads up to Holy Week and Easter.  It's considered to be a contemplative time in the church, and as such, many people use these (aproximately) 6 weeks to give something up (meat, TV, swearing, facebook, sweets, etc.) or to take on a new spiritual practice (regular bible study, more prayer time, charitable donations of time or money, etc).  It's a season that reminds us that we don't need so many of the things we think we must have in our lives, and a season that encourages us to strengthen our relationship with God and neighbor. 

 

I traditionally give up chocolate.  I love chocolate more than I love shoes, and could gladly eat chocolate every day, multiple times a day.  Lent is a reminder that I can go through life without it, no matter how much I might crave it.  This year I'm giving up chocolate and coffee.  I gave up caffeine a couple of years ago and have done fairly well at staying off it, but now I think I'll give up coffee, especially those expensive trips to Starbucks that I seem to be taking more than I should lately.

 

I'm also going to try to take something on this year.  I've been missing yoga and haven't done it in forever, so I thought I'd try to make it a regular practice to do some yoga and maybe spend that time in prayer and contemplation.  I'm also going to try to break out my flute and play it more regularly.  So, wish me luck.

 

Some day, if I'm feeling really "spiritual", I'll give up shoes for Lent.  I'll just wear the same pair for 6 weeks.  But not this year.  Nope.  I've got purple shoes that need wearing, the first of which you'll get to see on Sunday.  In the meantime, here is today's calendar pic.  They are from the 30s and woud be cute if it weren't for that crazy back.  Makes my ankle chafe just looking at them.  But the hilarious part is that they also have a lipstick holster!