Fear, Forts, and Faith

It's Ash Wednesday and I have been doing a lot of pondering.  This isn't going to be your typical post, so if you're here for the shoes you might want to back away slowly (or run away quickly) because there will be no shoes.  It's not going to be completely depressing, though.  At least I hope.  OK, there are your disclaimers.  Now for the post.

I've been thinking about forts.  Yes, I said forts.  I always semi-joke about making forts in all kinds of places.  There was a room in the chapel at seminary that was used for storage that had all kinds of interesting nooks and crannies and I always said I was going to build a fort in there.  I could go in with a flashlight and my homework (and by "homework" I mean novels).  There is a storage room under the stairs in our new office and I would make a fort in there that would be a less depressing version of Harry Potter's room under the stairs (because mine would be voluntary).  You can probably see where I'm going with this.  I even think about building forts under my desks wherever I work.  A few pillows, some blankets, a stack of books, and some chocolate?  I'm good to go!

Like I said, I say this a lot, but only recently occurred to me why I might be so obsessed with forts.  As a kid I loved to smoosh myself into weird places.  I didn't make forts per se, but I like to climb into things.  My chest of drawers had a door that opened into a little cupboard and I loved to fold myself in there.  I think there might be a picture of that somewhere, but I don't know if that's fact or I just made that up.  I would also climb the shelves in my closet and lay in the cupboard space up above (Mom if you didn't know this already, please don't ground me!).  We had a couch that was fairly high off the floor and it was the perfect place to go...and, um, hide food...sorry again, Mom! It's just that it had a slat that made the perfect shelf.  I also loved to climb into the space between the wall and the wood stove to eat my breakfast.  Yeah, I totally burned my arm one day doing that.  Aaaaaand...once again, so very sorry, Mom.  So obviously I come by this trait naturally and from a young age.

Those are the roots of my fort fetish, I think, but now that I'm an adult it also stems from something else:  Fear.  The hubby and I respond to fear VERY differently.  A fearful or stressful situation sends him straight into thinking mode.  He becomes The Man With A Plan.  Actually, he usually comes up with about 4 layers of backup plans in addition to the original plan.  He's very handy to have around.  I am much less helpful.  I react to stress and fear by sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively, wanting to curl into the fetal position.  This is where the fort comes in.  Sometimes I fantasize about hiding under my desk when I'm stressed.  I just want to hide from the world.  *TRIGGER WARNING*  I'm not suicidal, but I sometimes fantasize about what I can take so I can just sleep for a month.  No, I'm not actually going to take a handful of anything, I promise, it's just that I really want to curl up in my fort and sleep until the crappy stuff is over.  In my small defense, I do think during this time as well, but coming up with a million plans isn't my first response.  I don't look fear in the face and think, "yes!  Challenge!"  I eventually come up with responses and solutions, but I'm kind of pathetic for awhile.

I've been thinking about all of this because things have been really stressful for a really long time.  I've talked about some of it here, but basically the hubby and I have had one strange/crappy/emotional/stressful/crazy thing after another happen since we got married.  I keep thinking we're coming out the other side and then something else happens.  It's no wonder I am fearful and thinking longingly of forts.  Because I'm tired, y'all.  I'm tired of the stress and the headaches (again, both literal and figurative), I'm tired of those tiny moments of hope being almost immediately overshadowed by some new, huge problem.  Every. Single. Time.  So I tend to want to hide in a snuggly fort with books and chocolate.  I know I can't, that it wouldn't solve anything.

I also feel increasingly isolated.  I curl in on myself in my fear fort and don't engage with my friends like I should.  Eventually friends find this annoying and start to drift away.  I can't blame them, I wouldn't really want to be friends with me right now, either.  My isolation is self-inflicted and self-fulfilling.  I know I would feel better about the fear and the stress if I would reach out more, but I don't because I don't want to be that whiny friend who does nothing but complain about the strange/crappy/emotional/stressful/crazy things that keep happening.

So there's the fear and the forts, now for the faith.  Like I said at the beginning, today is Ash Wednesday.  I was really hoping to go to church for imposition of ashes, because as maudlin as it sounds, this is one of the days I always try to attend.  Not because I enjoy being reminded that I'm dust and I will some day return to dust, but because I appreciate that I come from a tradition that sees God in all things, not just the big, splashy holidays like Christmas and Easter (no offense to either, I love both holidays, but we can't have the Easter without Good Friday, and Ash Wednesday reminds us of the brokenness of the world, and why we need the promises of the resurrection).  Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the season of Lent, when we journey with Christ to Jerusalem and the cross.  It is a season of reflection, and it is a season when many people either give some something up or take something on as a spiritual discipline.  I wrote on Facebook the other day that there are a million things I could or should give up, and another million things that I could or should take on, but with the craziness and stress of my life right now I feel like the most I could achieve would be showering everyday.  And that's a big maybe.

I'm thinking that this year I might embrace my forts.  Not in a literal sense.  I'm not going to crawl under my desk and sleep until Easter.  Although that kind of sounds AWESOME.  Instead I will do my best.  I will try to face my fears, try not to hid in my personal forts, but also try to remember what my faith teaches me: that no matter where I am, what's going on, how imperfect I am, God is there with me.  God is with me in the fear.  God is with me in the fort (I'd even share my chocolate).  I've been trying to make some changes in my life anyway to improve my health, so that will be part of my Lenten discipline, but mostly what I'm going to do is try to remember God's love and God's promises.

If you're so inclined, I would welcome your prayers during the season of Lent.  I will pray for you, too, that you feel God's presence in your life and that you can know God's love for you.  I will also let you share my fort if you want.  But you might need to bring extra chocolate.

Purple-y Purple

Today is the 3rd Sunday in Lent and I have yet to do a Lenten Purple post.  Since I'm not leading worship anymore, I've stopped coordinating my shoes to the liturgical season, so I guess I'm less in tune with that stuff in terms of posts.  But today I will at least do one Lenten Purple post, which should make the BFF, The Bean, and Flower happy.

So purple-y!  I love the deep, rich color of these.

This looks almost exactly like my wedding shoes, only in purple.  So of course I'm going to have a certain fondness for it.

I don't care for booties, generally, and yet for some reason I kind of like this one.  I don't think I can pull off this particular style, but I'm sure someone out there can, and they need this.

 

Good color.  Interesting details.  And yet a little bit skanky-looking.

These would have been perfect for Wednesday worship in Lent.  I could have worn flats all day, and still had purple shoes for Wednesday evening worship.

 

Obviously the PF needs Lenten shoes!  These look so snuggly and warm.

And these are just cute. I would want the adult version and then we could be shoe twins.

So...even though I have failed thus far to do a Lent post, does it count that I'm at least drinking purple Crystal Light right now?  No?  Fine.

Memory Lane:  2013. 2014.  Apparently February 28 in years past is the day when I have posted crazy calendar shoes.

3 Things:

1. Purple makes me think of some of my favorite people: the BFF, The Bean, and Flower.  I miss them all and wish they were here!
2. The puppies got a bath today.  Once they dry off and settle down (they are total spazzes after a bath) they will be all soft and pretty smelling, and even better for snuggling.
3. I've had doors and windows open the last 2 days, airing the house out.  It's still weird for me to be able to do this in February (despite 3 years in TX and 8+ years in CA), but it's lovely.

Ash Wednesday

I saw this on Facebook yesterday:

Oh look!  There's a yoga pose named for me!  This is pretty much what is going on in my head ALL of the time, except more.  Here is a (by no means exhaustive) list of things I worry about these days:

• Is God completely disappointed in me?
• Is my family completely disappointed in me?
• Is everyone completely disappointed in me?
• Am I failing my friends?
• I'm sad, angry, and resentful over what feels like certain friends failing me.
• I don't know enough of what is going on in the world.
• When I do know what is going on in the world it just makes me depressed and even more worried.
• My spiritual, mental, physical health.
• The hubby's health.
• My level of patience with the hubby's health.
• The puppies' health.
• Money.
• The house sale.
• Something happening to make the house not sell.
• My own klutziness/ineptness causing the house to spontaneously combust and or fall down around our ears thereby causing the sale to fall through.
• Body image issues.
• The nieces' body images.
• ALL girls' body images.
• My purpose in life.
• Will I ever be content?

Enough.  You get the idea.  The inside of my brain is a chaotic and swirly place full of voices (most of them depression-fueled) that just will not shut the hell up.

So.  Ash Wednesday.  I have decided that my spiritual discipline this year is to try to combat those voices.  I might need your help for this.  I need to think of the positives in my life.  The happies.  I'm going to use the blog, write every day, and list 3 things for which I am grateful, or that make me happy, or that at least don't suck the joy and life out of me.  Please help hold me accountable on this. Thank you in advance.  Let's look at shoes.

Black shoes always seem appropriate to me for Ash Wednesday.  Last year's post was all black shoes. I'm not sure what sparkly, bedazzled crosses are appropriate for.

These seem disjointed to me.  Am I missing a theme?

Wow.  Zebra stripes, bedazzled cross, AND a crown of thorns.  Again, the animal print fits into the theme how?

 

Subtle.  If I were still in the parish I would wear these and see who noticed.

These are cross trainers.  Yes, the very ugly shoes have an incredibly bad pun to go with them.  There are also giant crosses on the tongues.

Slightly random side note:  Ash Wednesday is one of the few days when I seem to post consistently.  I already referenced last year's post, but here are links to 2013 and 2014 as well in case you want a trip down Ash Wednesday memory lane.

Here are my 3 things:

1. I am dust and to dust I shall return.  I know, this doesn't sound positive at first, but it is a reminder that nothing, outside of the promises of God, lasts forever.  The promises of God DO last forever, and I am a Child of God.
2. My mom, who answers the phone and talks to me no matter how random the reason I called.
3. Snuggle puppies.

Purple

I must be thinking about the BFF more than usual this week.  Last night it was Eeyore, and tonight it's purple.  But it's also Lent, and the color for Lent is purple.  Last year I posted purple shoes every Sunday, but since I've been on leave, I'm not color coordinating my shoes with the liturgical calendar.  Actually, I've only worn heels once since I went on leave.  I know.  Crazy, right?  Anyhoodle, tonight I'm thinking about purple.  These aren't my shoes, just fun purple shoes that I found.

Oooh, purple suede.  Simple and awesome.  And I like the lower heel.  No, really.

Crocheted purple shoes!  When I saw them in the thumbnail they almost looked like jelly shoes, but these are better.  So cute.

Purple sparkly with silver heels and ankle straps?  These would be awesome under my alb.

Purple sparkly t-straps!  But can I just say I'm getting tired of the hidden platform look?

I shouldn't like these.  But I do.  I shall discuss this at my next therapy session.

Love love love.  I would definitely wear these for Lent.  And other times as well.

Good night.  Dream of shoes in the color of your choice...

Question

Lent is coming; Ash Wednesday is March 5th this year.  Lent is the season of the church year leading up to Easter.  It's a contemplative time, and a time to think about our spirituality.  Some people look at the season as journeying toward the cross with Jesus.  Lent is kind of like New Year's because some people decide to make changes during the season.  One option is to give something up.  For instance, chocolate or meat or alcohol. Take it a step further, and you can donate the money you save not buying those things to a food pantry or World Hunger, or something like that.  Another option is to take something on.  Like prayer, meditation, service, etc.  For the last 20 years or more I have always given up chocolate.  It's a good reminder to me that as much as I love it, I don't actually need it, and there are more important things in life.  I've also given up caffeine for around half of those years (prompting my brother to say one year, "man, you must be a bitch to live with during Lent!  Brothers.  Aren't they special?).  So here's my question to you, my lovely readers:  Should I give up chocolate again this year?  I feel like with this leave I'm currently on, I am already taking on more things:  exercise, better eating, therapy, discernment.  Part of me thinks that's enough.  But then there's the other part of me.  The stuck-in-a-rut part.  The liking to do things the same way part.  In other words, the (ahem) Lutheran part.  I have until Tuesday to decide.  If I decide to give it up, then I must spend Mardi Gras eating as much chocolate as humanly possible.  What do you think?  Thoughts?  Suggestions?  (I've already decided I'm not giving up caffeine.  I've been drastically limiting my intake already, but don't feel like dealing with the withdrawal headache right now)

And now to shoes.  And shoes that are pretty much the antithesis of the first paragraph.

Cake shoes.  Not cupcakes that look like shoes, but shoes that look like cake.  Actual shoes.

Oh my goodness, I think these are perfect for me.  I would seriously just want to lick my own feet, though, and that would get me even more weird looks.

 

Aren't they beautiful and scrumptious looking?  I'm not sure I actually want a pair to wear, but as art they are pretty cool, and beautifully.  I of course love this pair because they are blue.  It makes me think of my grandma, though, who hated blue food, and so would therefor, presumably, hate these shoes.

For all of you who love the green.  Didn't want to leave you out.

There are more pictures.  You should really go check out the whole article, as it's pretty cool.

Lent 4

Once again the lighting in the room at church with the full-length mirror strikes again, making my purple shoes look brown.

 

You would think I'd just photograph them at home, or some other logical alternative.  But apparently I prefer to continue taking not-so-well-lit pictures.  I did take another in my office so you could see the color.

 

 

 

You probably noticed that these are much shorter than my usual Sunday heel height.  I actually bought these several years ago (can't remember if it was when I was still in seminary or during my first call), before my heel height started creeping incrementally higher.  Regardless of the heel height, though, I always take my shoes off when I preach.  Unless of course I'm wearing boots or something more complicated that I can't just slip out of.

 

 

Isn't our orange carpet beyootiful?  We have orange pews, too!  Anyhoo, I like to preach in bare feet whenever possible.  The acolytes who sit behind me usually think it's funny.  People in the congregation who notice think it's funny when I shrink several inches during the process of saying, "grace and peace to you in the name of our risen Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen."

 

That's it for purple shoes.  I only have the 3 pairs, although there is more of the season of Lent to come.  I will have to repeat or not match my shoes to the liturgical color of the day.  Either one is fine with me.  I'll probably go with not matching as I don't like to wear the same pair of shoes too close together.  Yes, I do know that I need therapy for my shoe weirdness. :-)

 



Lent 3

I was still on retreat with the kiddos last Sunday so didn't have a need to wear Lenten purple shoes to worship.  Today I debuted my new purple boots:

 

 

I wanted to show the detailing, but once again the light in the room with the full length mirror is not great and they look more brown than purple, so I took a second picture to try and get the color.

 

 

Here the color is a little better, but holy buckets do I look stumpy.  Anyhoo, I ordered these because I wanted purple boots for Lent and didn't ever see any when I was out.  Frankly, I liked them better on-line.  They seemed more sparkly and less...biker?  I know they aren't biker, but the detailing didn't look like I was hoping it would.  They are also slumpier than I would like.  Lots of people at church still said they liked them, but they might have just been being polite.  These have what's described as an almond-shaped toe and I think I like my boots a little pointier.  I got some blue ones for Advent last year, and they had the same shaped toe and neither boot is terribly comfortable in the toe box.  Which then begs the question, why did I buy a second pair with the same shape?  These are the mysteries of my brain when it comes to shoes.



Lent 1

Today is the first Sunday in Lent, so I broke out a new pair of purple shoes.  I took a few pictures in the full-length mirror but none of them came out looking at all purple, so I took another in my office where the light was better.

 

 

 

I love them.  Think they're adorable, and they are fairly comfortable, which is always nice.

 

So, I've mentioned before that I tend toward klutziness and today was no exception.  In the altar area of our sanctuary we have termite damage, which means there are several soft spots under the carpet.  Today as I was walking back to the altar after sharing the peace I hit one of those just right , lost my balance, and went flying.  Thankfully several chairs broke my fall, and I wasn't hurt, but of course about half of the congregation saw this delightful scene play out.  Oy.  20 seconds after this I had to sing the kyrie.  I did OK, I think, considering the adrenaline and heart-pumping.  So, in case you were ever wondering if pastors are regular people?  Just look to me...I'm as regular and un-divine as they come!