Bright

I haven't posted about the disability process for a long time because I didn't really know what to say.  I received word several weeks ago (by an insanely annoyingly cheerful voicemail) that my disability had been declined.  No reason was given.  I called my therapist, and it turned out that she had gotten a 5 page letter outlining why it was declined.  So my first annoyance was that she got a very detailed explanation, and I got psycho, cheery woman.  There was a lot of reasons and justifications given, but what it boiled down to in the end was that I'm not suicidal.  I'm still so pissed off I'm not sure what to say.  My first thought was, and always is, what?  I should attempt suicide so that they'll believe I'm actually depressed?  I kind of thought my NOT being suicidal was a good thing.  I understand that they have to have a process in place to vet these types of claims.  I also used to work in a health insurance company and was weekly disgusted by the claims managers annoyance at ever having to pay out any kind of money for any reason.  What really makes me angry is that there is nothing before that last and very final step.  Shouldn't they want to work with a person so that she doesn't get to that place?  Depression and mental illness still have such a stigma in this country.  They aren't understood and are often ignored or their importance played down.  Many people think they are giving me good advice when they say things like, "just think happy thoughts and you'll be happy," or "just get out and do something so you'll feel better."  They aren't wrong, exactly, but they aren't helpful, either.  And they clearly don't know what it's like to try and battle the horrible mind and body numbing voices in one's head day after day.  It starts to feel like it would be easier to stop fighting and let the voices win, whether that's something permanent, or just deciding that staying in bed for a day or a week.  I had to wait so long to write about this so it wasn't a post with the f bomb dropped every few words.

If you've stuck with me this far, you're probably wondering about the title of this post and how it can possibly go with that first paragraph.  The truth is, there are always moments of brightness in our darkness.  I had one of those bright moments today.  A friend from church had given me a gift certificate for a massage (she is a massage therapist), and I finally got around to using it today.  Holy buckets, but it HURT.  But in the good way of neglected and abused muscles getting some love and attention.  My lack of yoga definitely showed up in my body, and my friend kept making somewhat shocked comments about how tight I was all over (in a loving way).  I am grateful that she reminded me last week I needed to use my gift certificate, and even more grateful for the hour and a half of pampering and conversation I had today.  A definite bright spot.

And what's brighter than neon?  Actually, I don't know...there probably is something brighter.  But it was a lame attempt at a segue, so let's just look at shoes, ok?

I think these are all horrible in an 80s day glo sort of way.  And I think they are all fabulous in a crazy, bright, fun 80s kind of way.

I hope you had many bright spots in your day today, and that you, in turn, were able to be a bright spot for someone else.

The Many Moods of Panda

Parts of today were actually really good.  Like the conversation I had with my accountant this morning.  I mean, the man is dry as toast, but he had good news for me today, so that helped.  SKD and I got our toes done, and that's always fun.  I got red and she got navy so together we are very patriotic.  I meant to get a picture but didn't.  Did you know she has never had blue toes before?  How is that even possible?  Silly lady.  But then she dropped me off and I could tell right away that the hubby was pissed.  He thinks he can hide it, but he's wrong.  After SDK left I got a giant lecture.  OK, to be fair, it probably only feels like a lecture because as an introvert and an internal processor I can never actually say anything when he's going on about something, so it's just words words words from him and I feel lectured.  Plus, it's an argument we keep having, and I don't know what to say anymore anyway because nothing has helped so far.  Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a blow by blow of the event; this isn't the place to air that stuff.  Although I could, as the hubby doesn't read the blog, so I could say whatever I want and he wouldn't know.  But I'm not going to.  I just hate the block that goes up in my brain when I'm trying to say certain things.  It's like an actual wall that I haven't figured out how to knock down.  And I've always been like this.  When I was a kid I would cry, Mom would ask me what was wrong, and I would say, "nothing."  Not because I didn't want to tell her (usually), but because I couldn't.  Let me take a sidebar to apologize to my mother for all of the crap I put her through as a kid  Soooo sorry, Mom!  Love you!  You know that song, Say Something by A Great Big World?  Yeah...pretty sure that song was written about me.  At any rate, between what felt like a lecture, another round of depression, and that hormonal part of my cycle (sorry, guys) where I cry at anything and everything, I have spent most of the evening crying.  Can't wait for the crying hangover tomorrow.  Good times.

So panda shoes.  Why?  Why not?  Who needs segues?

Today I pretty much feel like this.

But hopefully tomorrow I will feel like this.

Maybe by Friday I'll even be feeling silly.

Because how can I be sad when there are turquoise disco panda shoes in the world?

I just like these because the pandas are the opposite of the way most shoes are done, so I would get to look  down at them.  We could have conversations.  I would call them Manda Panda and Patrick Panda.

And then I'll have a baby who can wear these.  I don't know their names because I don't have a baby to name them.

I'm taking my red eyes, splotchy face and stupid brain to bed now.  But before I go one last picture.  This cartoon is about anxiety, but it also works for depression, and how I feel in many conversations.  (Click on it to make it bigger)