Warning: Language Ahead

I hate everything.  OK, technically, I strongly dislike many things, but what I hate most of all right now is myself.  When I was young I had a specific, yet vague, sort of life plan:  I would grow up, go to college, where I would meet a man and get married, become a teacher, have some babies, and then...the rest was all going to fall into place.  I didn't know exactly how all of this would happen, but I just figured it would.  And then the voices of the world started become the voices in my head and I let the little bastards erode my confidence.  Obviously it's a lot more complicated than that, and took over 30 years to accomplish, but now here I am.  Today Facebook reminded me that 3 years ago today the hubby and I were celebrating the 3rd of my 4 wedding showers at St. Someone's.  In a little less than 2 months we will have been married 3 years, and I honestly can't believe we've made it.  Not because we don't love each other, we do.  And not because we aren't compatible, because we mostly are, despite our differences, especially our communication styles.  In our first almost 3 years of marriage though: 

• The hubby's car blew up, and I have managed to get into 2 accidents in the last 8 months or so
• I got majorly depressed and went on medical leave, but couldn't get disability because I wasn't suicidal
• the hubby's job of a little over a year has been the world's worst roller coaster, making us both so insanely stressed it's not even funny
• I have learned to be creative in trying to stretch a paycheck to try and pay bills as best as possible
• I'm pretty sure my uncle no longer respects me and is possibly no longer speaking to me because I am a colossal f--- up

 And therein lies the crux of my hating myself right now.  I am a colossal f--- up.  Did we get to this place solely because of me?  Of course not.  There have been about a thousand factors that have led us here and both of us could have made different choices, both individually and as a couple.  But I can't seem to get my shit together.  We would be so much better off if I had a job.  Any job.  Just get a job for crying out loud.  And I've made a few efforts, but every step forward I feel like something comes along (probably of my own making) and shoves me back 3 steps. I get excited about some possibility, get shoved back, and fall deeper into depression, making the process that much harder.  Some days I feel like the hubby would be so much better off without me.   Again, I can't get my shit together.  My poop in a group.  Whatever.  I don't know what to do, and the bastard voices in my head are having a field day.  Yes, I tell them to shut up, but right now they are gleefully loud.  I told the hubby tonight I feel like a giant loser failure.  I'm starting to be about 90% sure I'm not going to go back to work in a church, and I have no idea what else to do.  I have a master's degree and no marketable skills. (Adding insult to injury today I tried to donate platelets and ended up getting really nauseous and having to quit...see?  Giant.  Loser.  Failure.)

Sorry about the pity party.  I know I sound like a whiny little bitch right now, and I hate myself for that, too.  I've always been able to eventually figure out the next step and been able to take it, but right now that next step seems impossible, and I don't know what to do about it.

Tonight's shoes are black and spiky, like my pissed off soul.

I wish I could end on a positive note and say tomorrow is a new day and it will all be better, but that's so not where I'm at right now.  Tomorrow is a new day and I have to try to figure out how to get my shit together and get a job and pay bills and not suck at life.