Advent

This past Sunday was the beginning of Advent, and I can't believe I waited almost a week to do a blue Advent shoe post.  I must be slipping.

They're blue, and I love/want them all.  I could have commented on each picture individually, but that seems a bit redundant when I would have said how much I love each one.

Advent has been a little rough for me this year.  It's normally my favorite season, one of light and hope and preparation, but I'm having trouble getting into the proper Advent frame of mind.  Things are so stressful with the business right now and they only seem to be getting worse, not better.  I mentioned in a recent post that the only prayer I seem to be able to formulate lately is pleasegodpleasegodpleasegod, and that hasn't changed.  Part of my struggle with Advent is also my struggle with prayer.  I've actually always struggled with prayer.  I get too wrapped up in the intellectual, theological part of it.  There are so many ways to pray, so many ways not to pray, so much advice on the subject that it feels overwhelming at times.  "Be careful what you pray for!"  "You just need to pray harder."  I actually had a spiritual director once tell me I prayed wrong.  Gee, thanks, lady.  I absolutely believe in the power of prayer, and I also am completely overwhelmed and confused by prayer.  I take comfort in the part of the bible that says "the spirit intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words."  Thank goodness, because I sure as heck can't come up with the words right now.  I also struggle with prayer because it's an exercise in patience.  God's timing is not my timing.  OK...so how long are you going to wait, God?  What am I supposed to be learning?  Am I being punished for something?  Except, that's not how I believe God works.  The phrase "God only gives us what we can handle" makes me want to kick something.   Pardon my french, but that makes God something of an asshole.  I cannot believe God is thinking, hmmm...that couple right there seems really strong, so I think I'm going to give their kid cancer.  I believe God is with us in our struggles, but never the cause of them.  God grieves with us.  And yet.  Being right in the middle of the struggle absolutely sucks.  I'm struggling to find hope and meaning, but keep getting bogged down in despair and disappointment.  I try to pray but can't seem to do it.  I'm angry with God, which is OK because God can handle it, but I don't enjoy it, and I don't want to be here.  I don't want to bargain with God (another aspect of prayer that I could get on my soap box about), I don't want to blame God, I don't want to be angry with God.  I want things to be better, dammit.  I'm trying to take comfort in the familiar themes of Advent, of the light that shines through the darkness, of a God who takes on human form to come be in the struggle with us.  All I can say is thank goodness I'm not having to preach right now, because I have no words for myself, let alone anyone else.